3 Dollar Wine

So I have not been on Tumblr lately and wasn’t about to leave without reblogging some fellow...

Wed, 20 Mar 2013 04:34:56 -0400

So I have not been on Tumblr lately and wasn’t about to leave without reblogging some fellow Tumblr who I think succinctly summed up what I think about a town from my home state of Ohio’s highly publicized rape case.

I couldn’t find one that QUITE said what I wanted to. So I’m just going to say it: FUCK YOU RAPISTS AND FUCK CNN FOR BEING COWARDS ABOUT THEIR COVERAGE OF THESE 16 YEAR OLD RAPISTS.

If you think I’m being too harsh on these 16 year old “children”, i beg of them to prove themselves in the future to not be as entitled, spoiled, and disrespectful as they have proven themselves to be. I’d love to recant my statement.

Don't Pray

Wed, 20 Mar 2013 03:51:59 -0400

I took a redeye to the Newark Airport Friday night to see family in New York. That’s what I told my boss and any other acquaintance who might have asked. But, really, I took the redeye to Newark on Friday to see my uncle, for probably the last time I will ever see him alive. Don’t pray. Just be grateful that you didn’t take a redeye to Newark last weekend.

He was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer in December. After a brutal 3 months filled with pain, broken bones, and a complete loss of independence, he decided to go off Chemotherapy. Don’t pray. Just be grateful that you’ve never had to make that choice.

My grandmother is 85 years old and losing her firstborn. I feel bad for her most of all. Nobody wants to bury a child, but this is a man. This is a man who protected people while serving in the NYPD for the majority of his life. Now he is helpless. I can feel her heart breaking as she cares for him as if he was the little boy she cared for over 50 years ago. Don’t pray. Just be grateful you haven’t lost a child.

I’ve never been touched by cancer like this. I’m lucky as fuck, apparently. If you want to pray, do it. I don’t care. However, I’d much rather you take your prayer time and think about what you have. Instead of begging an imaginary man in the sky to make my uncle better, think about how you can better the lives of others. If this sounds sanctimonious, it’s because it is. I just would hate for my Uncle to die while a bunch of us sat around doing nothing but praying.

Anyone???

Tue, 16 Oct 2012 17:52:13 -0400

Me: I think you have mono.
Him: Impossible, unless you gave it to me.
Me: I could have, once you're infected the virus lays dormant in the body and can possibly reactivate and infect people throughout the course of your life, even without you having any symptoms.
Him: If I have mono we are never ever ever getting back together.
Me: Dude it's not my fault you didn't get it in high school like the rest of the developed world. Maybe your next illness can be a 25-year-late bout of chicken pox.
Him: I've had the pox, yo. But if you know anyone with Rubella, get at me.

OKCupid People

Mon, 23 Jul 2012 01:50:33 -0400

Me: I might meet someone next week. It’s between hot, dumb dude & nerdy, funny dude
Her: What do they do?
Me: Nerdy, funny dude is a Phd student. Hot, dumb dude is a minor league baseball player. Obviously.
Her: I just spit out my coffee

Such a loving, supportive family.

Thu, 19 Jul 2012 16:42:40 -0400

My dad: Why did you go to the doctor?
Me: Just a check-up, nothing's wrong.
My did: Did they say anything about your bobblehead? Has there been any research or treatment?

blameaspartame: all other foods are on the table I am not...

Tue, 10 Jul 2012 02:28:11 -0400

blameaspartame:

all other foods are on the table

I am not joking at all when I say I have not laughed this hard at a picture since…ever, possibly. Literally tears, streaming down my face. I would look away to contain myself then look back only to laugh like I was seeing it for the first time. I love him so much.

This Could End Poorly

Sun, 08 Jul 2012 23:45:00 -0400

Him: If I would have gone to HOA they would have wanted to like send an inspector for the electrical before they did the drywall and it just would have taken so much longer so I didn't go to them.
Me: But don't you want the electrical inspected before doing the drywall? What if down the line something goes wrong with it?
Him: Oh no, I inspected it. They did a good job.
Me: K....I don't remember you ever being certified to inspect a home. But maybe I'm just paranoid from watching too much Holmes on Homes.
Him: I watch Holmes on Homes too! That's how I knew what to look for.

Hungover (Taken with Instagram at Vdara Pool)

Sat, 23 Jun 2012 13:32:29 -0400

Hungover (Taken with Instagram at Vdara Pool)

Me: So I'm going on vacation with my ex?! People do it all the time!

Thu, 21 Jun 2012 13:59:00 -0400

Me: So I'm going on vacation with my ex?! People do it all the time!
Her: Who? Who does it all the time?
Me: Um, well, just to name ONE example, divorced parents with small children.
Her: I'm not even acknowledging that as a response.

I am SO good at buying souvenirs. (Taken with Instagram)

Mon, 18 Jun 2012 00:33:07 -0400

I am SO good at buying souvenirs. (Taken with Instagram)

Results

Fri, 15 Jun 2012 19:23:00 -0400

I know you’re all waiting with bated breath for the results of my four day diet. Well, Here they are:

Nothing really happened. Which sucks. I SUPPOSE I lost an inch off my waist and like 3 lbs but I fluctuate within an inch and three pounds on the regular so I don’t count that as any real difference. Which disappoints me because even though I know you can’t get permanent results in four days I did hope that cutting out all salt would reduce enough bloat to be considered kind of a “quick fix” for “special occasions”, I.E. drinking at a hotel pool bar all day, but no such luck. The only difference I see in my before and after pictures lays in the fact that I ran out of my Jergins Natural Glow lotion on Sunday and haven’t bought any since, so I’m a lot paler than I was four days ago. So at least we know Jergins Natural Glow Lotion works!

Four day diet? What's involved? I think I could do four days of no drinking. If we're talking Monday through Thursday, of course.

Wed, 13 Jun 2012 13:15:00 -0400

The diet is taken from Prevention Magazine’s “The Flat Belly Diet” which pretty much just incorporates eating 400 calorie meals that include one serving of Monounsaturated Fatty Acid (Nuts, Olives, Olive Oil, Avocado, or Dark Chocolate). I pretty much like it becuase I can still have Chipotle on it. However, the “Four Day Jumpstart” is a really restricted calorie meal plan that involves no salt, no caffeine, no alcohol, no carbonated drinks, no anything fun at all. The meals are below (“Sassy Water” is just water with Lemon, Mint, Ginger, and Cucumber. It’s supposed to soothe your GI tract and is actually quite delightful):

The Meal Plan
Day 1
Breakfast: 1c. unsweetened cornflakes, 1 c. skim milk, 1/2 c. unsweetened applesauce, 1/2c. raw unsalted sunflower seeds, glass of sassy water

Lunch: 4 oz. Applegate Farms antibiotic-free honey maple turkey, rolled up; 1 light string cheese, 1 pint fresh grape tomatoes, glass of sassy water

Smoothie: Blueberry smoothie. Place 1 c. skim milk and 1 c. frozen unsweetened blueberries in blender and blend for 1 minute. Transfer to glass and stir in 1 Tbsp cold-pressed organic flaxseed oil

Dinner: 1 c. fresh or frozen cooked green beans (steamed of microwaved), 4oz. tilapia, 1/2 c. roaster red potatoes drizzled with 1 tsp. olive oil, glass of sassy water

Day 2
Breakfast: 1c. Rice Krispies, 1 c. skim milk, 1/4c. sunflower seeds, 4oz. pineapple tidbits canned in juice, glass of sassy water

Lunch: 3oz. chunk light tuna in water, 1 c. steamed or microwaved baby carrots, 1 light string cheese, glass of sassy water

Smoothie: Pineapple smoothie. Place 1 c skim milk, 4 oz. canned pineapple tidbits in blender, add a handful of ice and whip for 1 minute. Transfer to glass, and stir in 1 Tbsp cold-pressed organic flaxseed oil

Dinner: 1c. fresh crimini mushrooms sauteed with 1 tsp olive oil, 3 oz. grilled chicken breast, 1/2 c. steamed brown rice, glass of sassy water

Day 3
Breakfast: 1 c. unsweetened cornflakes, 1 c. skim milk, 1/4 c. sunflower seeks, 2 Tbsp. raisins, glass of sassy water

Lunch: same as day 1

Smoothie (peach) Place 1 c. skim milk and 1 c. frozen, unsweetened peaches in blender and blend for 1 minute. Transfer to glass and stir in 2 tsp flaxseed oil.

Dinner: 1 c. fresh or frozen cooked green beans (steamed or microwaved), 3 oz. grilled or baked turkey breast cutlet, 1/2 c. roasted red potatoes drizzled with 1 tsp. olive oil, sassy water

Day 4
Breakfast: 1 packet instant Cream of Wheat, 1c. skim milk, 1/4c. sunflower seeds, 2 Sunsweet Ones Dried Plums, sassy water

Lunch: same as day 1, but sub steamed carrots for grape tomatoes

Smoothie (strawberry); Combine 1 c. skim milk and 1 c. frozen, un-sweetened strawberries in blender. Blend, transfer to glass and stir in 2 tsp flaxseed oil

Dinner: 1c. fresh or frozen yellow squash sauteed with 1 tsp olive oil, 3 oz. chicken breast, 1/2c. steamed brown rice, sassy water

I’ve only completed day two. The smoothies and dinners aren’t bad but the lunches are pathetic. However, I have noticed absolutely no weight loss and have only dropped maybe a half an inch from my waist. The results online are much better than mine. For the must part, I’m just happy with myself that I’m doing it because eating moderately healthy next week will seems so much easier once I know I can finish this fascist foodplan.

And yes, obviously M-Th are the only reasonable days for a diet that involves no booze.

Now I Really Want To Go To Lunch With You

Tue, 12 Jun 2012 12:58:37 -0400

Her: Do you want to come to lunch or are you still trying to diet?
Me: I'm still dieting. It's been one day.
Her: We all think you're too skinny.
Me: Thanks for your opinion.

This is What Happens When You Hang Out With Your Ex

Mon, 11 Jun 2012 01:55:02 -0400

Him: Do you want to see that movie that's like all about 80's rock songs? Do you know what I'm talking about?
Me: Rock of Ages?
Him: Yeah! Do you want to see that at one of those movie theaters where you can get dinner and drink and everything?
Me: Yeah, that actually sounds fun.
Him: Yeah, I want to do that too. Let me know if you do that. I'll go with you.

Epiphanies

Mon, 11 Jun 2012 00:37:55 -0400

Her: This is good wine! What is it?
Me: I know! It's this new brand I wanted to try.
Her: Yeah I looked at this brand before and thought of buying it...So it's a Shiraz?
Me: What? No, I didn't bring the Shiraz, I brought the Grenache. Wait...We're drinking the Shiraz? So you already had it!?
Her: OH! I KNEW I LOOKED AT IT! I GUESS I BOUGHT IT!
Her boyfriend: Oh my god...
Me: WE SHARE A BRAIN!!!

The girl in this video reminds me of that last picture you...

Mon, 11 Jun 2012 00:22:27 -0400

The girl in this video reminds me of that last picture you posted. Ima little scared…

She could be my sister and I would gladly have her.

Hi Guys!!!

Mon, 11 Jun 2012 00:13:04 -0400

I feel terrible for neglecting my tumblr. Okay, “terrible” is an exaggeration. Maybe more like “mildly bad but not really that bad”. Either way I’m back on! And I don’t have anything to talk about. Sorry. Except that I am going on this ridiculous four day diet tomorrow that not only sounds like rabbit food but also involves NO booze. So in true shameless fashion I’m going to post my weight and waist here (mind you, this is the last day before my diet so today I’ve had 1 bagel with cream cheese, 1 8” turkey sub, like 20 pita chips with a ton of hummus, 2 slices of pepperoni piza, and approximately 1.5 bottles of wine) and that way I will be held publicly accountable for the diet and we can see how well it goes.

Weight: 115 lbs

Waist: 27.5”

I’m 5’2” so I think that’s fairly average (though I’m no stranger to being called “curvy”) but it’s summer and I live in the desert so the least amount of clothes I can wear without being offensive, the better. That’s really the goal here.

It’s been so long!!! How have you been?!?

Sun, 10 Jun 2012 23:57:16 -0400

It’s been so long!!! How have you been?!?

I Kind of Feel Like an Asshole

Sat, 19 May 2012 02:30:17 -0400

So today I pull into Circle K to pay my bimonthy fill-up bill that is now $60 (Eff you $4 gas prices) and this girl comes up to me. I, obviously, assume she was going to ask for cash, because I live in the real world, but she ended up, extremely awkwardly, asking me to buy her a gallon of milk for her daughter. Well, who am I to deny someone a $2 gallon of milk? She was SO weird about it though, it made me really uneasy. She assured me about 3 times that she wasn’t on drugs, and that she was waiting for a check from her mom, and that she wasn’t asking for money. For some reason she freaked me out but I didn’t want this girl to go without milk so I said I would. Then she asked for a can of Chef Boyardee. Sure. I tell her to come in with me and I’ll pay for her stuff. She ends up adding a bag of Cheetos but hey, who isn’t impulsed into buying Cheetos every once in a while? I just laughed and payed for it and sent her on her way. The thing is, I really wanted to like give her some cash or at least take her to a grocery store and buy her some real groceries, but she made me so uncomfortable I didn’t want to. And now I feel really bad because I didn’t help her more when all she was asking for was food. I didn’t even give her a ride home because she made me so uncomfortable, I wasn’t sure if this was just a ploy she was using to get into someone’s car.

Anyway, now I feel really bad because she probably didn’t have a ploy and just really didn’t have any money to buy food and I didn’t help her as much as I should have. I mean, if this was just a ploy, would she have really added on the Cheetos? I’m pretty sure food was all she was after, and I just let her walk home with her bag of shit and now I feel like a complete piece of shit for buying a stranger Cheetos. So if you’re out there, girl who asked another girl for milk today, I’m sorry for not giving you a ride home. I hope you enjoyed the Cheetos.

Does seriously nobody else think Vincent Kartheiser aka Pete Campbell is sexy? He looks like so...

Thu, 17 May 2012 02:16:40 -0400

Does seriously nobody else think Vincent Kartheiser aka Pete Campbell is sexy? He looks like so fucking many of my ex boyfriends. By “so fucking many” I mean two but still I don’t think I’m the only woman on this planet who wouldn’t immediately kick him out of bed.