So I have not been on Tumblr lately and wasn’t about to leave without reblogging some fellow Tumblr who I think succinctly summed up what I think about a town from my home state of Ohio’s highly publicized rape case. I couldn’t find one that QUITE said what I wanted to. So I’m just going to say it: FUCK YOU RAPISTS AND FUCK CNN FOR BEING COWARDS ABOUT THEIR COVERAGE OF...
I took a redeye to the Newark Airport Friday night to see family in New York. That’s what I told my boss and any other acquaintance who might have asked. But, really, I took the redeye to Newark on Friday to see my uncle, for probably the last time I will ever see him alive. Don’t pray. Just be grateful that you didn’t take a redeye to Newark last weekend. He was diagnosed with stage four lung...
Me: I think you have mono.
Him: Impossible, unless you gave it to me.
Me: I could have, once you're infected the virus lays dormant in the body and can possibly reactivate and infect people throughout the course of your life, even without you having any symptoms.
Him: If I have mono we are never ever ever getting back together.
Me: Dude it's not my fault you didn't get it in high school like the rest of the developed world. Maybe your next illness can be a 25-year-late bout of chicken pox.
Him: I've had the pox, yo. But if you know anyone with Rubella, get at me.
Me: I might meet someone next week. It’s between hot, dumb dude & nerdy, funny dude Her: What do they do? Me: Nerdy, funny dude is a Phd student. Hot, dumb dude is a minor league baseball player. Obviously. Her: I just spit out my coffee
Such a loving, supportive family.
My dad: Why did you go to the doctor?
Me: Just a check-up, nothing's wrong.
My did: Did they say anything about your bobblehead? Has there been any research or treatment?
This Could End Poorly
Him: If I would have gone to HOA they would have wanted to like send an inspector for the electrical before they did the drywall and it just would have taken so much longer so I didn't go to them.
Me: But don't you want the electrical inspected before doing the drywall? What if down the line something goes wrong with it?
Him: Oh no, I inspected it. They did a good job.
Me: K....I don't remember you ever being certified to inspect a home. But maybe I'm just paranoid from watching too much Holmes on Homes.
Him: I watch Holmes on Homes too! That's how I knew what to look for.
Me: So I'm going on vacation with my ex?! People do it all the time!
Her: Who? Who does it all the time?
Me: Um, well, just to name ONE example, divorced parents with small children.
Her: I'm not even acknowledging that as a response.
I know you’re all waiting with bated breath for the results of my four day diet. Well, Here they are: Nothing really happened. Which sucks. I SUPPOSE I lost an inch off my waist and like 3 lbs but I fluctuate within an inch and three pounds on the regular so I don’t count that as any real difference. Which disappoints me because even though I know you can’t get permanent results...
abearfoot asked: Four day diet? What's involved? I think I could do four days of no drinking. If we're talking Monday through Thursday, of course.
Now I Really Want To Go To Lunch With You
Her: Do you want to come to lunch or are you still trying to diet?
Me: I'm still dieting. It's been one day.
Her: We all think you're too skinny.
Me: Thanks for your opinion.
This is What Happens When You Hang Out With Your...
Him: Do you want to see that movie that's like all about 80's rock songs? Do you know what I'm talking about?
Me: Rock of Ages?
Him: Yeah! Do you want to see that at one of those movie theaters where you can get dinner and drink and everything?
Me: Yeah, that actually sounds fun.
Him: Yeah, I want to do that too. Let me know if you do that. I'll go with you.
Her: This is good wine! What is it?
Me: I know! It's this new brand I wanted to try.
Her: Yeah I looked at this brand before and thought of buying it...So it's a Shiraz?
Me: What? No, I didn't bring the Shiraz, I brought the Grenache. Wait...We're drinking the Shiraz? So you already had it!?
Her: OH! I KNEW I LOOKED AT IT! I GUESS I BOUGHT IT!
Her boyfriend: Oh my god...
Me: WE SHARE A BRAIN!!!
I feel terrible for neglecting my tumblr. Okay, “terrible” is an exaggeration. Maybe more like “mildly bad but not really that bad”. Either way I’m back on! And I don’t have anything to talk about. Sorry. Except that I am going on this ridiculous four day diet tomorrow that not only sounds like rabbit food but also involves NO booze. So in true shameless fashion...
I Kind of Feel Like an Asshole
So today I pull into Circle K to pay my bimonthy fill-up bill that is now $60 (Eff you $4 gas prices) and this girl comes up to me. I, obviously, assume she was going to ask for cash, because I live in the real world, but she ended up, extremely awkwardly, asking me to buy her a gallon of milk for her daughter. Well, who am I to deny someone a $2 gallon of milk? She was SO weird about it though,...
Does seriously nobody else think Vincent Kartheiser aka Pete Campbell is sexy? He looks like so fucking many of my ex boyfriends. By “so fucking many” I mean two but still I don’t think I’m the only woman on this planet who wouldn’t immediately kick him out of bed.
5:00 PM My sister: What do you want to drink? Me: I don’t know. I drank the whole flight here and we have a long night. Maybe like white wine mixed with club soda? I should probably dilute my booze for a couple hours. My sister: I’ll do the same. When Mom gets here we’ll tell her that our birthday present to her is drinking spritzers til 8 so we’re not completely...
K so “The Wedding Planner” has been on repeat on Bravo all night and I have been too lazy to change the channel. Well maybe more busy than lazy. But regardless I caught this gem: “The only reason to quit a wedding is if you broke the cardinal rule and I know you didn’t fall in love with the groom!” OMG like apparently the only thing standing in between a woman and...
Why I Like Kim Kardashian
I know, we are all dumber AS A PEOPLE since the Kardashians invaded our lives. And god damn that Kim somehow moved very swiftly through the sex tape to the reality show to the multimillion dollar franchisee that she now is. Much quicker than the pioneer, Paris Hilton. Isn’t it weird that Kim Kardashian used to be Paris Hiton’s closet organizer? OH IT’S TRUE. I remember it from an...
Every once in a while I go grocery shopping when I’m soooo hungry I somehow decide that buying pre-cooked rotisserie chicken is just, like, the smartest idea ever. I think of the bountiful chicken feast that awaits me and how chicken has no carbs and it just seems too perfect for words. Then I get home, eat three bites, put it back in my fridge and for the next 48 hours look at it and think...
Me: So you said we needed to talk more? Did you just mean in general or was there something specific you wanted to talk about?
Him: I think we need to talk about our issues. Like, on the one hand we have me not liking the things you like to do, and on the other hand we have me not wanting to get married and have kids.
Me: And what exactly do we need to talk about? Do you think it's worth it to work through personality conflicts when we have no future plans? Because I don't think that makes sense.
Him: Yeah, I know. But I still want you in my life. Do you want to come over and watch Mad Men?
therealjmar replied to your post: What Is Even Going On Here? Maybe he’s heard about all the breakup sex they talk about in movies and on tv and wondering where he went wrong. I have considered that. I wonder how long it will take for him to figure out it’s not happening.
What Is Even Going On Here?
Ex: Do you want to go out to lunch tomorrow? Me: Look, I know that we made half-assed plans to stay in touch while I was crying on your couch the other night, but please don’t feel obligated to and PLEASE don’t feel bad for me. Is that what this is or do you want to hang out because I’m a pleasure to be around? Ex: No, I want to. I think we need to talk more. So apparently...
So apparently my (Now-Ex) boyfriend was on to something with the whole “You want to get married and have babies and I don’t” hijacking I referred to last weekend. The thing is, I didn’t see a future with him. Which is why i thought it was comical that he acted like I did. I really did not want to marry him, ever, and that, ultimately, is what was making me unhappy. The...
Sorry In Advance
OK so I am sorry about all the posts about this break-up but it’s my blog and guys, this is like my first real-life adult break-up. All my other breakups were usually caused by circumstance or irresponsibility. This is the first one that was legit “I need to do the best thing for my life and staying with this very nice man isn’t one of them”. And he was a nice man. He was...
My sister: So he like didn’t even say he’d try or that he wants to make things work? He was just like “Welp, this is how I am, so deal with it”. Me: Pretty much. And he hasn’t even texted or made any effort to try to work things out since I left. So I guess it’s really over. My sister: Wow, that’s pretty heartless of him. Me: I think he might be waiting...
Things I've Done in My First Day Being Single
9:30 AM Woke up in best friends’ guest bedroom. As is appropriate. 10:30 AM Was invited to go to hotel pool for the day but decided a menu where the cheapest alcoholic beverage was $14 might drive me into bankruptcy at this point. Responsibly declined. 11:30 Unpacked my trunk full of shit I kept at his house that I made a point to pack up in front of him last night while he watched and...
Why Can't I Have a NORMAL Break-Up?
So the boyfriend and I broke up last night. Mostly because he made the cardinal sin of acting as if hanging out with me was some type of chore as opposed to a much coveted opportunity granted only to a very lucky select few. I jest, but seriously, if your dry cleaner acts happier to see you than your own boyfriend, it might be time to put the kibosh on things. The hilarious thing was that he...
My dad a big “Fox News” fan (read: conservative) and routinely groups “Jon Stewart” in with all of his least favorite politicians when he gets pissed at the world. For instance, when I thought I needed I co-signer for my first car loan (turns out I didn’t, but I never had a car loan before and thought it was necessary), he blamed Jon Stewart for not trusting me. I...
Seriously if I don’t get a passport in a month I will die. There has to be some kind of one-hour-passport center for really late notice trips, right? Or is that what the whole “passport application” process is trying to eliminate? Those whole “I need to get out of the country NOW” things?
Me: So now basically my passport application got completely delayed because my license was too newly renewed, and I only have a month to get it, and I'm freaking out. I mean, I think I have to expedite it right?
Post Office Man: NAAAAH, You should be fine. I'm sure they are just holding it somewhere, ready to go. I mean it really only takes like an hour to make those books. You'll get it in two weeks.
Me: Really? Because I feel like you're not understanding the gravity of the situation. Let me reiterate: I have an already-paid-for flight out of the country in one month and the U.S. Passport Office just told me they don't think I am who I say I am. And you think I'm fine?
Him: Yeah...You're good.
Me: Welp, as long as you think so.
You made three cheers at dinner, one of which was to “not being a needy...– Of course I did
The craziest thing for me about the movie “Game Change” was not Julianne Moore’s uncanny resemblance to Sarah Palin or even the fact that we somehow almost let a publicity stunt into the White House. It was that the teacher from Matilda like NEVER AGED.
Guess What Guys
A co-worker gave me a flash drive today with e-books of all the Harry Potters! I’ve never read them! I’m so excited! I can’t stop using exclamation points! I didn’t even know you could GET them as e-books but it was really nice of him to take the time to get them for me. I need to start taking time to do stuff for others more rather then just pretending I don’t hear...
So This Happened
So I just made an enemy at the U.S. Passport office because he was being a total dick to me on the phone and then I made the mistake of calling my mom directly afterwards while still seething about it and telling her the conversation and now she thinks he’s going to somehow get my passport application denied on the grounds of me being “unstable”. How was your Tuesday?
Never Back Down
Cash4Laptops.com: Hello, 3DollarWine, this is just a courtesy call to let you know that we received your older model Sony Vaio. I know you said it would not power on when we gave you your original quote of $35. However, we have noticed some light surface scratching as well and have currently valued your laptop at $10.00. Would you like that deposited into your Paypal account today? Me: WHAT?!...
Technology is Not Wasted On Us
Her: Guess who got an iPad for her birthday!
Me: That's awesome! Draw Something is SO MUCH easier on it!
Her: I know, I feel like I'm cheating!
Raise Negotiating For Insecure Assholes
Me: And...so...anyway....I just feel like...you know.... the responsibilities I've taken on since being given this title have surpassed the title and salary and...um.... I'd like to be fair to myself and the company...so...um...this is my proposal. I based this on nationwide averages, my time at this company, and my experience with the industry. I'd like a raise and a title promotion.
My Boss: [3DollarWine]...You know I think you're worth every penny and then some. I'll take this to [CEO] and try to get what you want, money-wise. I'm sure I'll be able to get close.
Me: Okay. Thank you.
My Boss: And [3DollarWine], don't ever get that nervous around me again. It's really unlike you. It freaked me out. What title do you want?
Me: Is "Queen" available?
My Boss: Aaaand that's more like you.
I wish all those sluts would just stop using birth control so we could be surrounded by unplanned babies, like God wanted us to be when he gave us boners.
WHERE WAS KANYE? (The real version)
Hi Guys. I was going to post this a while ago. It’s the first blog post I ever wrote in word because my router was being temperamental. Obviously it was very topical at the time (by “at the time” I mean one week ago…which was still three weeks after the Grammies) but in my drunken stupor I queued up the title but didn’t copy & paste the post. AAAANNNYWAY, here are...
Her: Are you going to Happy Hour this Friday? I don't know if I'm going to go because he's inviting some people I don't do happy hour with.
Me: Yes. There's not really anyone I don't do happy hour with.
Her: Ha, that's because you're a lush!
Me: Ha, yeah! Or because I'm not a bitch.
It's Already On My Vision Board
Her: Is Safeway still doing 30% off wine?
Me: I think so! They've been doing it for a while. But wait, how are you buying wine right now? It's 11:00 AM on a Tuesday.
Her: I might buy some at lunch for tonight. Though I totally would drink wine at 11:00 AM on Tuesday if I could!
Me: Me too.
Her: Life goal.